Connecting with our children through play
When was the last time you played a game?
It took me a long time as a parent to relax into playing with my children. I was okay-ish at it when I had my firstborn. I have photographic evidence that I sat and played with him, and I have memories of playing hide and seek in the local park. As I got busier with work and had my second boy, things got more intense, and gradually, I stopped being able to relax and enjoy playing with them. I would do it, but it felt like a chore – all the other things I could and should have been doing in the little 'free' time I had would play on my mind while I engaged with my little ones.
It was when I had my third child that I explored being purposeful in switching my busy 'what can I do next in the 10 minutes I have free' brain off for short periods of time. I practiced just being there and present, making eye contact, and having a playful downtime to connect and focus on him. It was incredibly difficult at first – my brain is not one that switches off easily, so it would wander off.
Years later, I read this wonderful book by Anita Cleare called “The Work/Parent Switch”, and it really is a useful read for a working parent! I would call it a breakthrough read for me! There is a brilliant distinction Anita makes around what our 'work brain' focuses on versus what our child needs from us. When we are at work, and for many of us, myself included, working in a hybrid way, we are actually in our home space while working (but that's a whole different topic!). Our brains are powered by things like tasks, productivity and results because that's what gets things done, and as it happens, it's what most employers reward. In contrast to this, our children need empathy and connection. Having worked in various professional jobs all my life, results and empathy sit on opposite sides of any business spectrum – look at the DiSC leadership style assessment as an example – task and people focus are on opposite sides of the axis there. So, in essence, our children need us to flex our brains in the opposite direction from which we spend our day going. And for many of us, there isn't a clear transition time – we just need to learn to switch your brain to the empathy/connection mode fast!
My mission of mindful playing with my kids has evolved over time. It ranges from silly little imagination games that can be played in the car on the drive to school, to playing Pokémon cards for 15 minutes after the little one gets home to a fully-fledged family Monopoly game at the weekend, back to just being silly in the garden and kicking the football around. What I did learn over the last few years is that being playful is good for children, but for us adults too. There is science around play that suggests it helps our brains produce the ever so important oxytocin. As well as having health benefits like reducing cortisol levels in our bodies, oxytocin helps create a safe bonding attachment for our little ones – when we play, they feel safe and included.
"Progress not perfection" is my mantra for this. Like many working parents, I'm time short, and during times of deadlines and work trips, I get stressed and find myself in that productive results mode. What helps me is a reminder that it all balances itself out – it's not about spending hours every day playing with my children; it's about little playful moments, and some days they happen, some days they don't, and that's okay. It's being able to truly relax into play and switch off the task mode is what matters to me.