The Business Trip Paradox – the Parents’ Edition - Part One

I have always enjoyed traveling and embarking on occasional business trips. The opportunity to connect with my colleagues in person, especially post-pandemic, and the chance to shine during meaningful workshops are aspects of work travel that I truly love. However, like many working parents, I have experienced a powerful conflict when faced with the prospect of leaving my little ones behind while I go away for work. There is a particularly sharp edge of guilt that accompanies this experience.

On the one hand, there is the excitement and the thrill of having dedicated time to focus on my professional self, the valuable face-to-face interactions with my business partners, the possibility of enjoying fancy meals out, and, if lucky, a business class flight and a nice hotel. The ability to solely concentrate on work and not have to manage household responsibilities, mealtimes, bedtime routines, tantrums, and night-time duties for a change sounds undeniably appealing, doesn't it?

Yes, but here lies the paradox – an invisible string that seems to connect you to your child, tugging at the centre of your heart. This invisible string serves as a constant reminder of your children back home (no matter their age – they will always be your babies), evoking memories of their beautiful faces, their scent, and even the nostalgia of their messy bedrooms while you are away on a business trip.

This invisible string also reminds you that your absence may upset your children, that your partner is shouldering a significant load on their own, including managing the heightened emotions of separation. It reminds you that while you appreciate the time for your professional self, the guilt of not being present at home lingers, albeit perhaps suppressed, in the back of your mind.

My clients often bring this additional layer of guilt to our sessions. No working parent is immune to it, regardless of how much they love their job – the paradox has a firm grip on them. This conflict is particularly palpable for clients who share parental responsibilities equally with their partners and both have fulfilling careers. Each partner fully understands the implications of the paradox and comprehends the challenges of navigating a work-trip-guilt-trip, as well as handling the solo responsibility of managing the family.

Acknowledging the presence of this paradox and the invisible string is a crucial starting point. I find it helpful, for both myself and my clients, to identify the factors that intensify this invisible string. Drawing from my own experiences as a mother of three who travels for work several times a year, here are some common guilt triggers that I have identified over the years:

Guilt number one – the concern that my absence is causing distress for my children, questioning whether I am being a neglectful parent by leaving them behind and worrying about how they will cope with the separation.

Guilt number two – the realisation that my partner is effectively functioning as a single parent during my absence, leading to concerns about the potential strain on our relationship due to the added responsibilities he must shoulder. There may be feelings of resentment, stress, and questions about whether he perceives me as taking advantage by having him go solo with the kids.

Guilt number three – falling behind on family logistics - missing important school emails, neglecting errands, and forgetting household necessities amid the intensity of a business trip, resulting in some balls getting dropped on the busy school and household to-do list.

Guilt number four – a prevalent concern among women, the stereotypical fear of being judged as a bad mother for leaving their children behind to focus on work. There may be worries about being perceived as neglectful by other mothers or extended family members who hold traditional views on gender roles and parenting responsibilities.

Guilt number five – the fear of striking the wrong balance between work and family, worrying whether my children may feel that I prioritise my job over them, leading to potential feelings of detachment or resentment upon my return. Will my children think I love my job more that I love them if I go away?

So what do we do with these? Can we make it better? Can the paradox be cured?

First of all - while navigating the intricate web of emotions that come with a business trip as a working parent, it is really important to remember that self-compassion plays a crucial role in maintaining balance and well-being. Acknowledging that it is okay to feel conflicted, to experience moments of guilt, and to yearn for both professional fulfillment and quality time with family can be a powerful form of self-care.

A business trip serves as an intensified microcosm of the challenges faced by career-oriented parents. If being a working parent is a beer, going on a business trip is the beer extract! Intense and full of flavour! It magnifies the tensions and highlights the importance of being armed with the necessary tools to navigate and enjoy the experience.

While numerous other guilt themes may arise, the five I outlined above tend to be the most prominent in my experience. Simply acknowledging them and calling out emotions and thoughts they cause can help loosen the grip of the invisible string. As I draft this piece while flying over the Atlantic Ocean, I feel a sense of relief as I see these guilt triggers laid out on paper. By recognising and examining these feelings, I can begin to challenge their validity – are they genuine concerns or stories that I am fabricating and telling myself?

If simply acknowledging my five guilts can alleviate some of the emotional strain, imagine the impact of actively addressing and unpacking them. Join me in part two of this article as we delve deeper into these guilt triggers and explore strategies for coping with them.