The Business Trip Paradox – the Parents’ Edition - Part Two

If simply acknowledging my five guilts can alleviate some of the emotional strain, imagine the impact of actively addressing and unpacking them. In this part two of the article, I dive a little deeper into these guilt triggers and explore simple but powerful tactics for coping with them.

Guilt Number One – Upset Children and Separation Anxiety

Seeing your little ones sad about you leaving, asking you not to go, the tears, the anger, the lashing out at the partner who is left behind. So, what can we do to combat this one?

I have always found it helpful to call home as soon as I arrive at the hotel. If the time zone is past the kids’ bedtime, I ask my partner to send me a video of them in the evening – and 10 out of 10 times, they are happily chirping away. I make a point to send them a video of me or video call them if the time zone overlaps with them being at home and awake. I tell them about my day and what I have planned for the evening, take them on a silly video tour of my hotel room (the youngest one's favourite!), mention what shops I may pop into at the weekend, and what foods I’ve eaten (burgers tend to get a great smile!).

With my teenage kids, I often send them photos of things I’ve seen that I know they will like and ask them what they want me to get them from the country or city I’m in. This makes them excited about me coming back with a little something. It also tells them that although I’m away, I’m thinking about them. I find staying connected and chatting with them as often as possible makes this guilt much weaker because I know they are fine, and I’m managing to keep the conversation going even if I’m not there.

Guilt Number Two – Leaving My Partner to Solo Parent

This one can be tricky, as it requires deep mutual understanding and commitment between you and your partner. These periods of them doing all the work and all the childcare need to be part of your setup that is known and accepted. To combat this guilt, I found the best thing to do is to spend some time talking about it with my partner upfront.

Before I ever commit to a business trip, even a short one, we need to have a discussion – how important is it for my career, what else is happening that month, what does he have going on at work, and does it clash with any intense times at school? If I don’t have the option to say no to the trip, what else can be deprioritised that month so that the load at home is less heavy? Having that discussion and us both committing that it’s okay for me to go gives me the perfect preventative ground to refer back to when I’m actually on the trip and this guilt creeps into my head.

Guilt Number Three – Family Logistics

If you are like me, you may be on several WhatsApp groups for several children’s parental groups, on email newsletters for several schools, and tend to be on separate group chats about one or two birthday parties on the go. You may also be the one in charge of ordering groceries, booking doctors' appointments, and many other loose ends.

This guilt can be helped with prevention just like the previous one. For example, you can order groceries in advance, sort out appointments, and tackle other little things before you go away. But even then, there are guaranteed to be some curveballs. On my latest trip to the US, my twelve-year-old texted me when I was at airport security that he had forgotten to tell me he and his mates were doing a triathlon fundraiser the upcoming weekend.

This was brand new information, and he had never done a triathlon. I felt ever so guilty dumping that on my partner on top of work, household duties, three kids to cater for, and now also a triathlon fundraiser to keep an eye on! And of course, I also felt guilty for missing the opportunity to go cheer on my little one at the weekend. So, even when you’ve tackled this one, most unusual things will pop up!

I have learned to look at this one from a pragmatic standpoint over the years. Just like at work, you cannot meet all the priorities at once. For me, this means some balls do get dropped, and it’s okay because some things just have to be deprioritised. Some school newsletters will not get opened, some parents' WhatsApp groups will have to go on mute, and that’s part of prioritising what’s important that week.

Guilt Number Four – Being Judged as a Bad Mum

This is a general underlying guilt I have always felt as a mum of three who has always been in a full-time job. Being away with work is just a reminder of this guilt lurking in general. My main tool against this one right now is that I am ever so proud of my career and where it’s taken me, and the person it’s helped me become, that I don’t let this guilt affect me anymore. Well, most days!

But it hasn’t always been that way. Earlier in my career, and when my kids were very little, being away from them as babies, in particular, was hard, and I’m sure I was judged by some people. I don’t know that I have a super tool to make this one go away, but what I found helpful is focusing mainly on how I, my children, and my partner feel about me being away on a trip. The rest of the world can have their opinion, but it won’t be more important than how our family unit feels.

The more satisfied I got with my career, the more I became aware that it helps me be a better mum. So, for this one, I think it’s taking other people’s opinions out of focus and being very clear on why I’m actually doing this. Over time, it naturally became less of a worry.

Guilt Number Five – Will My Kids Think I Love Them Less Than My Job?

Once again, this one is bigger than the business trip. It’s popped up for me every time I prioritised my job over my family time. Am I overdoing it? Am I getting the balance wrong? There have been times when I did get the balance wrong and ended up paying for that lesson by being ill and burnt out, having to stay in bed, or having a lingering cold all winter. On those occasions, I knew I had overdone it and tipped the balance in the wrong direction – my body would tell me and teach me.

Learning to spot those signals early has been a critical skill for me. Looking at the amount of time I spend with kids over the course of each week is also another thing I like to keep an eye on. Have I been less present? Have I been a little edgy after work? Time to shift, chill, and reconnect.

The reality is sometimes the balance is not quite right, but just like my old driving instructor told me decades ago – you will be marked not for the ability to parallel park perfectly in one go, but for the end result and your ability to pull back out, make adjustments, and make it right eventually (without hitting that pesky curb!).

So, what about that old worry: will they love me less if I go away on a business trip that can also be translated into the bigger question - will they love me less if I love my job? Well, like with all relationships, love is a feeling built over time and largely based on little moments of connection and meaningful presence. Will a week away here and there destroy years and decades of meaningful moments of connection and the strong relationship of love I have built with my children? I choose to think that it will not, and that is my biggest counterargument to this final guilt.

By being kind to yourself and understanding that these conflicting emotions are a natural part of the working parent experience, we build resilience and self-acceptance. It helps us approach each business trip with more clarity and emotional strength.