Why do working mums struggle?

In my work with my female clients, there is a strong theme of carrying the ‘extra’ – extra mental load, extra worrying, extra anxiety, extra guilt, extra house chores. The funny thing is typically after exploring these ‘extras’ a lot of them seem to be self-imposed burdens.

At least on the face of it – the situation is simple – you are a working mum, your partner also works, you have children together – you should be able to have some clear boundaries and role-setting conversations with your partner and get on with your share of the load.

Then why is it so hard? Why do women struggle to let go of some of the load and choose to carry the extra? Is it really all self-imposed?

Turns out the reality is far more complex. While some of the burdens may appear self-imposed, they are often deeply rooted in societal expectations and cultural norms. Historically, women have been seen as the primary caregivers and homemakers, a role that has been ingrained over generations. Even as more women enter the workforce, these traditional expectations persist, creating an internal conflict between professional ambitions and perceived domestic responsibilities. This is also why we still have a huge lack of women in leadership – in theory we want more of them, in practice it’s not a straightforward choice.

All this makes the working mum in 2024 a bit of a social experiment. There is a seeming movement towards gender equality (long way to go still but it seems to be on the move!) however the infrastructure and reality have not been yet established to support that equality.

Here are some of the things we talk about with my clients to help us set the scene in which they are trying to be a good mum and stay on their career path. Being aware of these helps take the pressure off – it’s not ALL self-imposed – but we can do something about how we see things one we have the awareness of our reality:

1.      Societal Expectations and Gender Roles

From a young age, girls are often socialised to be nurturing and responsible for the well-being of others. This conditioning can lead to an ingrained sense of duty to manage household tasks and childcare, even when they have demanding careers. The pressure to excel in both domains can be overwhelming, leading to the ‘extra’ mental load. There is a link to a brilliant podcast with Brene Brown at the end of this article on burnout and if you like me are a bookworm worth checking out the Burnout book by the lovely Emily and Amelia Nagoski – they introduce a fascinating and scarily real term of the ‘human giver syndrome’ which reveals some home truths about the societal expectations for women. An excellent read for Halloween – frightening and real.

2.      The Invisible Load

The mental load, often referred to as the ‘invisible load,’ includes the planning, organising, and remembering that goes into managing a household. This load is not always visible to others, including partners, which can make it difficult to share or delegate. The constant juggling of tasks and responsibilities can lead to chronic stress and burnout.

3.      Guilt and Perfectionism

Many working mums struggle with guilt and perfectionism. They may feel guilty for not spending enough time with their children or for not being able to keep up with household chores. When I did my market research on my recent coaching offer, one of the mums said these words that made us both laugh but also cry a little – ‘will I go to my grave still wanting a cleaner house?’.

This guilt can drive them to take on more than they can handle, striving for an unattainable standard of perfection. The fear of being judged by others, or even by themselves, can make the issue even worse.

4.      Lack of Support Systems

Another significant factor is the lack of adequate support systems. While some partners are supportive and share the load equally, this is not always the case. Extended family support, affordable childcare, and flexible work arrangements can also be limited, making it harder for working mums to balance their responsibilities. This is even harder for those women who are trying to continue climbing the career ladder and growing in their professional roles. The harsh reality of ‘there is no village’ sucks.

So what is there to do to break the cycle?

While it may seem like a pretty bleak scene, there are ways to address these challenges. And this is what we look at with my clients – what is real and can be changed and what is an imposed myth and needs to be let go of.

Simple things like open and honest conversations with partners about sharing responsibilities and setting realistic expectations and boundaries can go a longer way than we think to alleviate some of the pressure.

And I always say this - and I can’t say it enough for working mums in particular - practicing self-compassion and recognising that it’s okay not to be perfect. Prioritising self-care and setting aside time for themselves can help reduce stress and improve overall well-being. It can help you complete that continuous loop of stress cycle and prevent you from needing mental or physical healthcare support.

These are all simple things but not so simple to do on your own. They are a definition of easier said than done. Working with a coach to support you through this process can give you the clarity and confidence to challenge the load you are carrying. I’m proud to say that I’m on a mission to be part of my clients’ new age ‘village’.

Helpful further materials:

Burnout Book by Emily and Amelia Nagoski

Brene Brown Podcast with Nagoski sisters on Burnout and how to complete the stress cycle