Have you ever wondered if your communication skills at work translate into your home life? Well, the simple answer is that they do - if you're willing to put in the effort. As a leadership coach, I've delved into a myriad of topics with business leaders, and while every coaching journey is unique, the common denominator that emerges time and again is communication.

It may sound trivial, but the impact of effective communication cannot be overstated. Surely experienced business leaders should have their communication skills well-polished by the time they reach a certain level in an organisation especially those in the corporate world with all the training and practice over the years. However, there is more to communication skills than meets the eye.

Models have been proposed, theories have been spun, and countless studies have been conducted to understand the different dimensions of communication. I prefer to simplify this complex concept into two levels in my coaching sessions.

The first level of communication is visible - sharing information, receiving feedback, engaging in meetings, asking questions, making a joke, or just laughing together. These are the factors that play a pivotal role in our work life and this level of communication can present challenges when the message is tricky (giving constructive feedback, saying no, setting a boundary, resolving a conflict).

Sometimes this level of communication can be challenging, especially in times of change, bringing people on board and getting them to drive change requires compelling and influencing communication skills. Body language, facial expressions, and the use of silence also come into the visible communication dimension. These do come up frequently in the coaching sessions as something my clients want to address. All of the above is a communication level that is very visible and outwardly received by others.

However, the second level, the invisible communication, is what truly brings about transformation. This is the level that makes my clients experience real shifts in their mindset and behaviour. It’s the communication that happens inside our head; some of it may show and leak through body language, but overall, it’s the hidden invisible level. Beliefs, stories we tell ourselves, sometimes based on stories fed to us by others, the inner critic, the voice of anger and frustration at something that is happening to us. This level of communication with ourselves internally is what tends to drive and have a big impact on what is seen by others on the outside. And the more self-aware we are about this internal communication that is happening inside our heads (all the time!) the more we can control the outputs, decisions, behaviours, reactions, and responses to external factors.

In my work with my clients, we often partner very hard to uncover those internal stories and conversations to shift what is happening for the client in their leadership journey. They can be the key to positive change, the key to influencing and inspiring others and being the leader people want to be led by and learn from.

So how does this relate to our home life with our children? If addressing these two levels of communication and finding a way to shift will result in us becoming a better leader will doing the same in our communication at home lead to us being a better parent?

Interestingly, these two levels of communication are not just confined to the world of business. They permeate our home life, especially in our interactions with our children. As a parent, your communication skills can make a huge difference, just as they do in leadership roles.

Communicating with our children is even more complex and harder to change than doing that at work. Have you ever had to manage a temper tantrum (toddlers and teenagers alike) or been so tired from lack of sleep or so overwhelmed by the sheer level of noise the kids make that all you want to do is run away or snap and shout at them? It’s a known fact that self-regulation is a hard job in general but even harder with kids when ALL our buttons are being pushed by those beautiful little creations of ours.

With communication as a parent, exactly in the same way as with leadership, I like to see it as the same two-dimensional concept – visible and invisible communication. The visible stuff is great and can be a little easier to work on - here are some common themes that tend to emerge:

1.     Learning to pause and listen – Do you find yourself constantly giving orders and instructions to your children?

2.     Understanding your communication style under stress - Are you someone who shouts or slams doors when things get heated? Or perhaps you tend to withdraw completely from parenting when under stress and leave it all to your partner?

3.     The balance between highlighting negative behaviour and providing positive reassurance - Are you always focused on correcting the wrongs or do you also take time to appreciate the rights?

This brings us to the deeper invisible level of communication in parenting. The inside of our head stuff. For anyone who aspires to succeed as a parent and build a strong relationship with children after they leave the nest, it’s fundamental to be aware and understand what those internal beliefs, stories, parenting voices, and assumptions we have inside our heads. Some of these will be holding us back from improving the visible communication with our children if not carefully uncovered and addressed. What makes it harder compared to improving your communication at work is that how you communicate with your children is not only influenced by your personality, parenting experience, and style but it’s heavily impacted by how you were parented. The invisible influence of our parents, when we become a parent, is one of the key internal communication barriers that we can come across. Identifying those voices helps change the narrative and helps us improve the visible level of communication patterns too.

In conclusion, communication skills are just as vital at home as they are at work. The next time you're about to give out an instruction to your child or lose your cool under stress, remember the two-dimensional concept of communication, pause, and listen to what’s going on inside your head. It may just provide the perspective you need to change your approach and improve your relationships, both at home and at the office. And remember – progress, not perfection, be kind to yourself.