The Armour We Wear: Why High-Achieving Mums Don’t Need to “Tough It Out” Anymore
“It’s not fear that gets in the way of courage, it’s armour.” – Brené Brown
Those of you who are leadership development geeks like me, you will be well familiar with this quote by the legendary Brené Brown. As a leadership coach working with ambitious parents, particularly mothers in high-pressure roles, I see this quote play out daily in coaching conversations.
It’s easy to assume that fear is what’s holding us back from change, vulnerability, or growth. But more often, it’s the protective layers we’ve learned to put on over time that get in the way.
Armour can take on so many different forms – it can look like over-functioning, perfectionism, hyper-independence, need for external validation of our worth. This list could go on… and on.
It shows up when you're back at work six months postpartum and trying to prove you haven’t "lost your edge." It’s the tight smile you give on the teams call at 9am, even when your heart is racing from drop-off madness (and most days – guilt).
It’s staying silent about the changes motherhood has brought, physically, emotionally, even existentially, because you fear being seen as “less than” in your role. This armour might have helped you survive. But it’s not helping you thrive.
What I’ve learned from mothers in leadership and from working in a leadership role myself
Matrescence, the transition a woman goes through when she becomes a mother, is a rite of passage. It’s arguably one of the least celebrated and most invisible and taken-for-granted rites of passage, especially in corporate leadership circles. But more on that another time!
No performance review prepares you for the identity shift of becoming a mother while also holding a senior role. No executive coaching manual explains how to integrate the messy, insane, life-altering emotional, hormonal, and psychological changes with the demands of leading a team.
So, we suit up. We mask the mess. We double down.
And yet, in so many sessions, I hear a quiet whisper beneath the armour:
“I don’t feel like myself anymore.” “I’m doing well, but something feels… off.” “I’m strong, but I’m also exhausted, and I don’t know how to say that out loud.”
And the tears come. Oh the tears of bottling this tension up – sometimes for years.
This is the moment courage asks us not to push harder, but to look inward.
Courage isn’t always loud
Contrary to popular belief, courage doesn’t always roar. Sometimes courage is found in the quiet act of slowing down and asking for help. It’s telling the truth, even when it feels uncomfortable. It’s asking ourselves the scary big question – what do I WANT?
For me, the true courage in matrescence-informed leadership isn’t about being fearless. It’s about being real.
That means recognising that your identity has shifted, and that doesn’t make you less of a leader. It makes you a more human one.
It means challenging the systems and stories that tell mothers to either shrink or soldier on.
And it means replacing performance-driven self-worth with values-driven leadership. With connection, with empathy, with wholeness.
A new way to lead starts with you (Yes – you!)
If you’re reading this and thinking “That’s me…”, I want you to know you’re not alone, and you don’t have to keep carrying the weight in silence.
I’ve spent the last few months developing a free tool to help mothers in leadership pause and take stock. It’s called Just Matrescence® Leadership Assessment
It’s designed to do two things:
Reflect: Give you insight into how your transition into motherhood may be shaping your leadership style, mindset, and identity today.
Reclaim: Help you identify which parts of your leadership feel aligned, and which ones might be driven by outdated armour.
It’s not diagnostic. It’s not a personality test. It’s a moment of intentional reflection. And for many, it’s a deep exhale.
Take the assessment here: https://lnkd.in/eq9W7yCg
Whether you're 6 months into parenting or 16 years, this is for you. Leadership isn't just about what you do at work, it’s about who you are becoming. And matrescence is a journey that takes you on many many seasons.
And maybe, just maybe, you’re being called not to toughen up...…but to soften into your most courageous self yet.