The Unspoken Reality of Maternity Leave: Why We’re Less Prepared Than Ever

Emma Barnett’s powerful statement in her wonderful new book Maternity Service, captures a truth so many women only realise once they step into motherhood:

“At this moment in time, Western women are the least prepared we have ever been for maternity leave and becoming mothers.”

The contradiction is stark. Women today grow up believing they can “have it all”, a thriving career, an equal partnership, and a fulfilling family life. Millennial couples enter parenthood expecting an equal division of labour with their partners. And yet, when maternity leave begins, so many mothers experience the same shocking reality: isolation, exhaustion, and the realisation that our workplaces and societal structures have done little to prepare us for this transition.

When I think about the UK, where maternity leave is generous (in time, although questionably so in pay), you can have a whole year ‘off’ with the new baby. In some ways, I always wondered about the different experience a new mama gets in the US where mat leave is so short that before you know it, you are back at your desk. I think it’s nice to have the option of a year ‘off’ but it does create a pretty weird time where your career and brain sort of go on hold and it’s a strange time that can be extremely isolating, especially in a nuclear family in an urban community. Emma’s book covers this very honestly, and a lot of it resonated with me, thinking back to my 3 maternity leaves.

The Loneliness of Maternity Leave in a Western Nuclear Family

Maternity leave in the Western world is often an isolating experience. Many women go from high-paced, purpose-driven careers surrounded by colleagues to days filled with feeding schedules, broken sleep, and long stretches of being alone with a newborn. Unlike in many cultures where extended families provide ongoing support, the Western nuclear family model leaves new mothers alone to navigate this massive life shift.

And it’s not just the physical demands of caring for a newborn that make this time so difficult, it’s the emotional and mental shift. The loss of identity. The feeling of being needed 24/7 while simultaneously being invisible to the world that once saw you as capable, independent, and ambitious. The change is seismic, yet so many women are left to figure it out alone, without a roadmap or meaningful support system.

For many, there is also the challenge of seeing their partners continue life as usual, going to work, maintaining social engagements, and often struggling to fully grasp the invisible load of early motherhood. It’s a recipe for resentment and misunderstanding, even in the most well-intentioned relationships.

The Equal Parenting Myth

Many couples enter parenthood with the belief that they will share responsibilities equally. And why wouldn’t they? Many modern relationships are built on shared finances, equal ambitions, and mutual support. But the reality? Having a child makes an inevitable dent in that equality for many of us.

Women take on the lion’s share of childcare and domestic responsibilities, not necessarily by choice but because of deeply ingrained societal structures. Many fathers want to be involved, but their workplaces don’t offer the flexibility or encouragement to take a truly equal role. And once these patterns set in during maternity leave, they become hard to undo.

There’s also the issue of perception. Many women, having spent their maternity leave becoming the primary caregiver, develop deep expertise in managing the household and baby’s needs. It slowly grows into this new identity that they acquire through repetition. They learn how to do things super fast and they can detect their baby’s needs from the tiniest noise. This isn’t because they are mothers it’s because they have spent so much time caring 24/7.

This thing called maternal gatekeeping happens too – as a response to wanting to feel in control, so the dad, or the non primary care giver at the time becomes more of a secondary consultant where the mum is the decision maker – it’s a slippery slope and it’s how I personally ended up ‘doing it all’ during my first and second maternity leave – I simply held on to being the decision maker when it came to kids because it had become part of my identity and found it very hard to relinquish that control and let some balls drop for the kids’ dad to learn important skills.

By the time their partner wants to help, the mother is often already in a state of hyper-competence, feeling it’s easier to just “do it myself” rather than delegate, explain, or trust that the job will be done properly. This cycle reinforces traditional gender roles, even in households that started out with the best intentions of equality.

Why Supporting Dads is a Crucial Part of the Solution

If we want to prepare women better for maternity leave, we must also talk about paternity leave. In countries where men take longer, well-supported paternity leave, the division of labour in the home is more equal in the long run. When fathers are actively involved from the start, without the pressure of rushing back to work, they develop confidence in caregiving, and equality in parenting becomes more than just an intention.

This isn’t just about fairness, it’s about long-term wellbeing. Mothers who are fully responsible for childcare while their partners work long hours experience higher rates of postnatal depression, career setbacks, and burnout. When dads are present, involved, and supported, the entire family benefits.

But it’s not enough to simply offer paternity leave, it has to be normalised. Men need to feel safe taking it without the fear of career repercussions. There was a brilliant article on LinkedIn the other day, by the amazing Elliott Rae of Parenting Out Loud, about the UK Police officers describing a culture where involved fathers were “mocked”, “slagged off” or “ostracised”. Workplaces need to encourage and celebrate paternal involvement just as they do maternal leave. And culturally, we need to move away from the idea that fathers are simply “helping” at home or they are “baby sitting” their own children. They are parents, too, and even some of the language around dads needs to change.

Reframing the Way We Prepare for Parenthood

We need to shift the conversation. Instead of simply preparing women for the challenges of maternity leave, we should be preparing couples for parenthood. Workplaces must rethink parental leave policies. Governments must recognise the societal cost of undervaluing caregiving. And as individuals, we must start having more honest conversations about what the transition to parenthood truly looks like.

In my coaching practice, I work with women navigating this transition, helping them reclaim their identity, set boundaries, and advocate for themselves in both their relationships and workplaces. But true change requires more than just support for mothers. It requires a cultural shift in how we see parenthood, starting with more support for fathers. This is why I also work with dads and couples who want to truly be equal parents and support each other's careers and growth and invest into a future of mutual support.

If we want a future where women are truly prepared for maternity leave, we need to stop seeing it as a solo journey. Parenthood is shared, and the sooner we treat it as such, the better off our families, workplaces, and societies will be.

Let’s start talking about what truly prepares us for parenthood, not just surviving maternity leave, but thriving as families.