Matrescence Begins Before Birth: A Reflection on Becoming

“Labour made a different person of me: smaller, braver, reckless as James Bond. I had never seen this woman before but I loved her. She had no past, future, and indeed by the following morning she would be gone, seamlessly replaced by another stranger. A mother. But this labouring woman was the most alluring. She knew no fear. She operated on pure instinct. She was constructed from roaring sensation, presence and sound. She was a warrior.”

— Chitra Ramaswamy in “Expecting: The Inner Life of Pregnancy”

I just finished reading Chitra’s book, and although my latest pregnancy and birth were 8 years ago, and my very first was 16 years ago, I felt every word in this beautiful piece of writing. Thank you, Chitra.

There are multiple passages I underlined in the book, especially around pregnancy, and particularly around queer conception and pregnancy, the additional hoops Chitra and her partner Claire had to jump through, which are not often discussed in literature. But what especially caught my attention was Chitra’s beautiful reflection on how, from the very first moment of carrying a baby, we begin the process of becoming a mother. Well before the baby is born, we begin our matrescence journey.

We start our slow walk toward the matrescence portal, a passage into a completely different world. Nothing remains the same. Everything changes. We begin to see the world through multiple lenses, not just our own, but our children’s too. And that new worldview stays with us until we are gone.

There is so much to unpack in this book. I’m sure I’ll return to it in another piece. But today, I want to focus on the paragraph I quoted above. Coincidentally, I had been thinking about this very idea in the weeks leading up to reading the book, so when I came across those lines, they landed straight in my heart, and yes also my belly.

Last week, I talked about the wild, or “wildish”, Clarissa Pinkola Estés writes about. Reading this passage in Chitra’s book felt like a direct connection to her. The wildish woman we all carry within us, but are meticulously taught to distance ourselves from. We’re trained to rely on cerebral knowledge and logic, not instinct and gut. To value process over spontaneity, numbers and data over intuition.

By the time we finish our formal education, many of us have completely lost touch with her.

A few weeks ago, I went to see an energy healer, a wonderful woman I visit from time to time to help clear the build-up of other people’s energy and life’s residue that I no longer need. If you’ve never been to an energy healer, I highly recommend looking into it. I was sceptical at first, but it has been more effective for me than many other tools I’ve tried to clear my mind and body.

During this session, I came to a powerful realisation: the way I access my “higher self”, which I now believe is another name for the “wildish woman”, is by connecting with the version of myself in labour. I’ve given birth three times, and I remember each one vividly. I could describe every minute, what I felt, what I thought, what happened to my body.

What fascinates me the most, and what we spoke about in my healing session, is that the version of me in labour was someone who knew exactly who she was. She knew what she wanted, what she didn’t want, how to trust herself, her body, and her intuition. She knew how to say no, how to surrender to pain. She was impressive and awe-inspiring.

I also vividly recall feeling a kind of aura, a shimmering, protective bubble surrounding me while I laboured. I hated people coming too close or touching me (as many of you know, that happens a lot during labour, understandably, to monitor the baby, but it didn’t make it any less disturbing to me).

That memory of me, labouring, powerful, knowing, protected, is the very embodiment of my wild woman. And I’ve longed to reconnect with her. I’ve been searching for her for some time now, as I’ve been training as a coach, learning to let go of my overly constructed cerebral ego and learning to sit with my clients and be, and let my intuition guide me for what to say.

So you can imagine what it felt like to read Chitra’s words “She knew no fear. She operated on pure instinct. She was constructed from roaring sensation, presence and sound. She was a warrior”, just weeks after this conversation with my healer. I honestly felt so seen, so validated. It’s not just me. Other women have met her too.

If you remember her, your wildish woman, or long to reconnect with that powerful, intuitive part of yourself, you are not alone. That woman in labour, that wildish warrior, is still there.

This is exactly the journey we honour inside the Just Matrescence® Leadership Circle. If you’re ready to reclaim your inner knowing and align your evolving identity with your leadership, come join us.

🌿 Take the Just Matrescence® Leadership Assessment to begin your reconnection. You don’t have to walk this alone.