Mid-Matrescence: A Season Where We Redefine Our Future
Let’s talk about something I am inviting more people to talk about: mid-matrescence.
What do I mean by that? It’s that season when you’ve been a mum for a while, your eldest is somewhere around 12-14. You might still have younger ones in the mix, but the physically intense early years are behind you (mostly). You’re not knee-deep in nappies anymore, but you’re still deep in motherhood and mothering.
And you’re likely somewhere in your 40s. You have been successful in your career and have grown into an experienced leader at work. You are also experiencing something that may feel like existential fatigue.
It’s a very specific crossroads. What makes it so specific, some may ask? It’s just perimenopause. Well, yes, for some, but for some it’s mid-matrescence, and that’s bigger than just your hormones. It’s the next stage of identity evolution that matrescence gives us.
Your reality is that you’re still needed at home, just in new, more emotional ways, and you’re still needed at work, and your work is more challenging than ever. You’ve worked hard to get where you are. You're leading a team, or a business, or both. From the outside, it looks like you’ve made it.
And of course, you guessed it, something is happening on the inside that’s so so hard to explain.
Wading Through Waves
For me, the feeling of mid-matrescence is like wading through waves. It’s not burnout, exactly. It’s not a crisis. But there’s this heaviness. A quiet question that pops up now and then: How much longer can I keep doing this? Or even just simply: Is this it?
There’s no obvious reason. You’re functioning, doing well even, but something feels off. And often, we don’t name it. We assume it’s hormones. Or we’re just tired. Or we need a holiday.
And yes, perimenopause is part of it. So is the mental load of parenting for over a decade. But what I see again and again with clients, and in my own story, is that this is a real transition point.
It’s the beginning of a new season, and what makes it interesting and exciting for mothers in leadership because our choices are aplenty!
It’s a point at which we can take stock and decide how we will capitalise on the incredible skillset we have built over the last decade and a bit, and how we will use it moving forward. It’s a season that calls for redefinition, not just the endurance that early motherhood required.
It’s also a season many of us try and push through, just like we did with early motherhood, just waiting for it to get easier. And that’s the important piece of the puzzle, this season requires us to stop pushing, and to pause and use our incredible leadership skills we have built to take a look at how we live and lead, and what we are taking with us and what we are leaving behind, consciously.
What’s Actually Going On
Because we operate in a world that doesn’t really value care work and is particularly mean and judgemental to mothers (it’s changing now but for this generation of mother the damage is done, you’ve been expected to work like you don’t have children and mother as if you didn’t work (Thank you Amy Westervelt for this awareness and this brilliant knowledge). So, because we operate in such a world, we are used to judging ourselves as mothers and noticing all the things we are doing wrong. I have run many mothers’ groups now, and I am yet to meet a mother who doesn’t judge herself for some aspect of her mothering.
When we judge ourselves so critically and over time internalise any external judgment from our friends and family and society, we forget to notice the things we are doing brilliantly, the things we should be proud of, all the wins over the years, and with that all the incredible leadership skills we have developed in the boot camp of parenting: clarity, empathy, prioritisation, perspective and many more. We forget to notice that we have evolved into a leadership superpower. We are continuing on autopilot, not knowing that it’s time to have a good look at ourselves.
This season is an invitation to pause and to ask:
What have I been valuing for the last 15 years?
What actually matters to me now?
What can I let go of?
It sounds simple, but it’s not. Most of us are so used to operating at full capacity that we don’t realise how much we’re holding until we stop.
And even if you’re a coach yourself, doing this noticing, this pausing work alone is almost impossible. We’re too close to it, can’t see the wood for the trees. Too used to pushing through and looking forward to the next milestone, to the next weekend, to bedtime.
This is why I truly believe in women’s group circles and have created the Just Matrescence® Leadership Circle. To give mid-matrescence mums, designed for mothers in leadership, a safe space to think, talk, and breathe, and to name what’s happening. And also, arguably most importantly, to realise you’re not the only one feeling this way.
A Shared Experience (That’s Still so so Under the Radar)
Brené Brown says something I love in Dare to Lead:
“One of the most important benefits of reaching out to others is learning that their experiences that make us feel the most alone are actually universal... When we find the courage to share our experiences and the compassion to hear others tell their stories, we force shame out of hiding and end the silence.”
Exactly this. This September, I’m holding space specifically for you, the mid-matrescence mum. The one who’s quietly asking, “What now?”
You don’t need a 5-year plan. It will come to you when the time is right. And you don’t need to overhaul your entire life. You just need 90 minutes. One conversation, one circle, one moment to say, “I’m in this too.”
If That’s You, Here’s What You Can Do Next
Join the Just Matrescence® Leadership Circle. This September session is especially for mid-matrescence mums. We’ll dig into what’s going on and start working with it, gently, honestly, but powerfully.